So. I’ve been really weak lately. Around him. And it takes the life of me not to pour my heart out to him. My friend told me instead of giving him that privilege to write it all down in my iPhones notes. So I have been. If you’re going through the same thing… You’re not alone.
1.So badly I want to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss and dream about you but I know I can’t. You’re hers now. Tell me my love, does she know that you prefer tea? Jasmine Tea? Does she laugh with her whole body? Does she make you smile like I couldn’t? All I really want is for you to find someone worth your while. I have these dreams that make me miss an love you even more and I know I can’t talk about them with anyone. Even though it’s impossible, do you think she loves you more than I do? Do you love her more than you did me? I see how you look at me… I’m not sure what it means though. Sometimes I miss the safety and love of your hugs. Sometimes I wish you would just pull me in and kiss me hard once more. Sometimes I wish this were all just another bad dream and I could just call you and you say “Everything will be okay baby. I promise.” Oh how I miss you. Oh how jealous I am that this girl gets all your love. She doesn’t know what she has. That smile, the way the wind irritates you, the way you would do anything and I mean anything to see her smile. Do you call her in the mornings? Tell her “Goodmorning beautiful?” Do you sing to her? Do you quote your favorite movie with her? Does she know how important you are to me…? I know you know the passcode to my phone. I don’t have secrets or anything to hide. I’ve been weak. So weak. But I’ve been awful good at not letting it show. But I think you know anyways.
2.Whether it pains me or not. As long as you’re happy. That’s all that’ll matter. That’s love yknow? Wanting someone to be happy even if it’s not with you. Kiss her. Love her like you loved me once upon a time. But if you’re happy. Then it’s whatever. No need to worry about me. I’m just weak at times. I just need to learn that “I love you” is a promise that not everyone can keep. But until then tired is a good excuse. It fools the ones that don’t care. That don’t need to know. You say I can still talk to you but I know I can’t because all of this would come out on the page and above all I don’t want you to pity me. It still stings. Every word. I love that your happy though. You’re smile couldn’t brighten anyone’s day. I’m just broken as you finally saw that and just gave up. But I’m used to it. People giving up on me that is. It wouldn’t be a first. Dreams that make me fall harder. It all hurts so bad. I wish I could get past this. Your happiness is all that matters. To me at least.
3.I’m sorry I’m weak. So weak. In 2 days would’ve been 11 months. May 16, 2013 still the best 9 months of my life. After 9 things went downhill. I’ve gotten so lost in heartbreak. And it’s one of the worst feelings ever.
4.The worst thing is I’m just a puppet. You have all this control over me. I would do anything for you. I’m the marionette and you’re the puppet master just pulling the strings. I don’t know if you know the power you have over me but I can promise you it’s strong. You have these strings tied to me. All over. The corners of my mouth. The strings to my heart. And you know how to work them. You know the intricacy and the finger movements. Everything comes so naturally to you. You’re perfect. Those eyes, the way your hair is perfect all the time because you’re so picky about it, that smile that could steal the stars right out of the sky. It’s unfair. How much I love you. I guess it’s true… “In my story you’re the villain but, in my heart you’re still the reigning king.”
Thanks for listening.